Grim Fairy Tales

We are now experiencing the halcyon days of crackpotterie being passed off as incontrovertible certitude, where faux “science” is presented to the world as an inconvenient truth. Those allergic to the facts are solely concerned with “raising awareness” while wearing the jackboots of hyperbole and hysteria. Lunacy has always been the default liberal pacifier. Nonsense is considerably more palatable to the ignorantsia than the intellectual upper cuts and hay makers of reason.The Stepford liberals now turn to Al Bore for their scientific talking points. That is about as sensible as turning to Rosie O’Donnell for beauty secrets or asking John “Abscam” Murtha for advise on ethical behavior.

You will never encounter a more morose group of humorless “true believers.” They are hard wired to rely upon the “little red book” recitations from the liberal caliphate, thus the beatification of Al “the Environmental Imam” Gore and the rapt attention his every utterance receives.

What Al Gore knows about science would fit nicely into your average thimble and within the dystrophic world of the left, that makes you the de facto liberal Stephen Hawkins. When Al Gore is your “go to” guy relative to anything, it is time to expand your cerebral horizons.

That said, I am as much a scientific scholar as Al Gore. This assessment is based upon the same criteria (None.) used to anoint Al with his environmental halo.

So, Al Gore and I have approximately the same amount of formal scientific training. That is how Al and I are alike. Among the differences between us is that it is necessary for Al to visit a Jiffy Lube in order to have the bolts in his neck tightened and his tongue sufficiently oiled before he pontificates. I forgot to add that, unlike Al, I did not invent the Internet. The former VP actually has more in common with the statue he won for “Best Fictionalized Diatribe”, except his Oscar is considerably more svelte and it has more personality.

As I don my lab jacket and while the test tubes boil in the background for dramatic effect, it has dawned upon me why the environment is in such grave danger. No, it is not the moose of Norway, who each produce 2,100 kilos of methane a year through the expulsion of, you know…the liberal aphrodisiac, “farts.” (Norway has 120,000 moose, each emitting 2,100 kilos of methane for a yearly total of 252,000,000 kilos, or for those in need of visual imagery in order to grasp the reality of a number that big, it is the equivalent of Ted Kennedy’s “gross” weight..) It is not the result of solar flares or any other such provable scientific evidence. It is the fault of the insensitive and “unaware” individuals who make photocopies without closing the lid, causing all the “Xerox rays” to escape into our vulnerable atmosphere.

I demand a fully commissioned panel to be assembled post haste, with as many head of “Eco-Nazis”and “Enviro-McCarthy-ites”, replete with Earth shoes, hybrid vehicles and their typical aversions to hygiene and intellectual integrity, as the fire laws will allow. Their every infantile bombast should be reproduced on 100%-recycled paper for our edification and “empowerment.” Their “Carbon Neutral” status and their liberal/socialist provenance should be above reproach and a matter of public record. The survival of our children’s earth demands it.

The first step should be the appointment of an “Eco-czar” or an “Enviro-czar.” Being that this IS the federal government, he or she should have access to, but not limited to, the following:

Assistant Czar

Executive Assistant Czar

Assistant to the Assistant Czar

Assistant to the Executive Assistant Czar

Secretary Czar

Under Secretary to the Czar

Assistant Secretary to the Under Secretary

Under Secretary to the Under Secretary

Over Secretary to the Under Secretary

Administrative Under Secretary to the Over Secretary

Acting Assistant Executive Secretary Czar

Under Assistant to the Over Executive Administrative Czar

Interim Assistant Executive Advisor

Secretary to the Interim Assistant Executive Advisor

Executive Statistician to the Executive Assistant Czar

Director of Statistical Misinformation

Associate Secretary to the Associate Secretary

Key Grip


Solicitor General to the Assistant Executive Czar

Executive Director of Graft and Boodle

Assistant Under Czar of Nepotism and Patronage

Advisory Council to the Assistant Under Czar

Privy Council to the Interim Director

Shadow Cabinet to the Council on Propaganda

Executive Under Secretary to the Interim Ombudsman

Advisor to the Executive Over Executive Czar

Under Director to the Over Assistant Czar

Administrator to the Administrative Czar

Let us not forget, a cacophonous, elephantine group of:

Boot lickers, sycophants, cajolers, blond secretaries, lackeys, henchmen, stooges, puppets, thugs, brunette secretaries, flunkies, minions, patsies, jackals, toadies, grovelers, red headed secretaries, saps, apple polishers, dupes, mealy mouths, parasites, suck ups, sponges, free loaders, lickspittles, goons, more secretaries with birth control and without morals, soft soapers, flap doodlers, and a budget of ample girth (but not to overshadow the education department,”It’s for the kids”…) and a hot line to Carl Sagan’s home.

I myself will not rest until the vile effects of the “Xero-Polluters” are part of our public consciousness. Our children, Mother Earth’s children, shall not suffer from the heinous “Xero-ozone depletion.” If necessary, we will bring back the mimeograph machine in order to spare the earth and the animals from the carcinogenic effects of Man’s blind desire for progress at any and all costs. Write your congressman today and send in your tax dollars in immediately. Each passing moment brings us closer to the day when “Man” destroys Mother Earth by duplicating unnecessary quarterly reports…with the lid up….

In the amorphous world of environmentalism and “science”, today’s global warming is tomorrow’s ice age or vice versa, just fill in the blank whenever it is politically convenient. Fear not, intrepid eco-liberal, verifiable proof of your assertions is not necessary. Mix in another bogus oil shortage, an imbecilic population explosion or two and you have the perfect liberal bouillabaisse, which if consumed, will lead to a lifetime of intellectual constipation rectified only by exorcism.

One hopes that all of these marionettes will enthusiastically sign on with the liberal “Church of Euthanasia” located in Massachusetts, (Surprise!!) who demand that their acolytes “pledge that they will not procreate and that they will live by or support the groups four pillars: suicide, abortion, cannibalism and sodomy.”

No, this is not a fable, but it does sound as if it has been stolen from the Democratic Party’s platform. Maybe John Edwards could busy himself by checking for any Democratic copyright infringement and then file the appropriate paperwork while he finishes foreclosing on New Orleanians. This “church,” the only one a liberal would enter without spontaneously bursting into flame, also encourages its parishioners to “live” by its motto: “Save the Planet, Kill Yourself.” Liberals and enviro-kooks: Take note and go to. Please. Hurry.

As a perfect addendum, or in this case, adden-dumb, Al took home a Nobel Prize for his “work” which is the equivalent of giving the Pulitzer prize to the National Enquirer for their exceptional and tireless work on UFO’s. We cannot expect too much from the Nobel committee, after all they awarded the “prize” to two avowed America haters, Arafat (1994) and Carter (2002), so expecting Al’s nebulous “science” to be gauged seriously is a bit much. Put this one “scientifically” right up there with Wangari Maathai, 2004 Nobel “winner” who said HIV was invented by whites to destroy blacks. I hope Wangari gave credit to another conspiracy crackpot, Little Spikey Lee who said the same thing about crack cocaine..Yes, this Nobel can sit on Al’s mantle along side his Oscar and his “I didn’t win the presidency in 2000” second place loser trophy.



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