In anticipation of an upcoming vacation in the Caribbean, it dawned upon me that I would be neglecting the millions of you who visit my web site for direction and conservative clairvoyance. I have decided to give out homework assignments for the conservatives and the liberals out there who are so inclined. I am sure that the idea of homework has put a number of readers into a diarrhea panic, but for the intrepid spirits who haven’t left in search of free porn or the latest stem winder from another pimply “MySpace-cadet”, I offer the following. I hope that the conservatives would have sharp pencils at the ready. Liberals, have your recycled crayons and your Hello Kitty notebooks in hand..
Toss up points for both groups, first come first served: Identify the most sarcastic statement within the previous paragraph. Hint: It involves the “millions” of you who visit this web site…
Lets start with the conservatives. Explain to everyone who among the declared Republican candidates you are supporting and why. Those of you wearing the “Anyone but Hillary” shirts will need to do better. Try to explain your support based on your conservative principles. Then identify which candidate truly believes in those principles. Next list the differences between you and said candidate. Now explain your support. Be prepared to show your work.
Historical question: Ronald Reagan was considered to be the carrier of the conservative flambeau. Explain why the muted response to the Marine barracks bombing in Lebanon was acceptable to you. Further explain why the ILLEGAL alien amnesty of 1986 was met with so little resistance. Any conservative who uses the term “Xenophobe” within their explanation will be immediately placed upon a stool. (This is the conservative corner so the stool will be right side up. Liberals thus “cornered” can be assembled four at a time “San Francisco style” by turning the stool upside-down.) Any conservative so punished will be facing the corner, sporting the Olympia Snowe / Susan Collins RINO dunce cap.
Be prepared to explain to everyone why you allow the media to portray President Bush as a “conservative”. Tell us how encouraging the government to spend like Barney Frank at a “Fruit of the Month” club sale is considered “conservative.” Tell us how a repeat performance of the 1986 “Border Burglar” Amnesty bill, which is part of President Bush’s annual letter to Santa, makes him a conservative.
Bonus point section: Explain your silence relative to the Clinton / Sandy “Burglar” felony. Lets review: A patsy for the Clinton crime family was tasked to go to the National Archives, grab a few “random” documents, jam them into his codpiece and then hold an impromptu marshmallow roast beneath a construction trailer on the parking lot. Lets not forget the proximity of this “coincidence” to the 9-11 commission hearings. I have come to expect this type of action from the left but the conservative “Marcel Marceau” over this felony is shameful…
Time for the liberals. Where to start… Liberals please explain why the two “frontrunners” from the Democratic Party for 2008 have about as much experience with politics as Dennis Kucinich has with sanity. Please explain the similarities (Other than physical.) between Rodham and FDR. For bonus points: submit the similarities between B. Hussein Obama and JFK. Good luck with that.
Liberals please enlighten us as to why you endorse: the traitorous subterfuge within the madrassas of the ACLU, the dark machinations of the “Al-qaeda House Organ” otherwise known as the New York Times and the pogrom of “Planned Parenthood.”
Please make clear why you have prostituted the Democratic Party by climbing into bed with every fringe kook “group” on the planet. What are you going to do about the diseases and parasites that they have given you? Note: Penicillin will not even put a dent in what you are hosting..
Find it in your black hearts to clarify for those of us who are so “insensitive” why you have targeted the armed forces and the police as they lawfully protect those you insist on making unnecessarily vulnerable.
Help us to understand why you have hitched your wagon to the “Snivel Rights” profiteers who have plunged the term “black mail” to new depths.
In plain English, please explain where your allergy to the truth came from and if your aversion to factual information was caused by your allergy or whether your allergy was the result of your aversion.
Explain why the “rights” you clamor for are available only to like minded sycophants. For example, why is the right of “free speech” only available for those who hate America to the deplorable degree that you do? Furthermore, please explain why the right of free speech takes a back seat with your approval, anywhere in the world, to the threats of your Islamofascist friends.
What is it about a nativity scene that puts you into an apoplectic rage?
Are Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry using their taxpayer funded insurance policies to pay for their Botox injections?
Liberals, what have you done with Howard Dean? How come his face has not appeared on milk cartons nationwide?
Liberal bonus point section: Find either the word “fair” or “abortion” within the Declaration or the Constitution. Extra credit for the rubber apron crowd: Logically explain when life begins, if not at conception. If this proves too difficult, explain how a “viable” life differs from a life which begins at conception. Are you “discriminating” simply based on size? Do you just hate “little people”?
Feminists: Explain the positive contributions that you have made to civilized society other than the changing of the “man hole cover” to the “person hole cover”, changing the “broad jump” to the “long jump” and the placing of baby changing stations in the men’s room. If you despise men so much why do so many of you go out of your way to look like them? Christmas side bar: Would a gift certificate to your local Snap on Tools be a good “holiday” gift for you and/or your “significant other”? Please explain your silence as relates to your Muslim sisters who suffer horribly under Islam’s unique “equality of the sexes.”
Liberals please explain why your citizenship should not be immediately revoked. I did not believe that it was possible for anyone to despise America more than the French until I met the atypical denizen of the liberal sub species.
Please explain your chronic avoidance of basic hygienic practices. If it were proven by “scientific evidence” (AKA: Al Gore says it is so.) that your lack of bathing caused damage to the environment, would you relent? What if your malodorous habits led to “global warming” or caused a gaping hole in the ozone or enlarged your “carbon footprint”, would you then consider taking up the Irish Spring?
All homework assignments will be turned in no later than December 10th. “Ethical Epiphanies” cannot be used as an excuse for unsubmitted homework. Like all professors, I will be grading on the curve. For those of you who don’t “get” that, that means “the more curves you have, the better your grade will be.” Isn’t that right, professor?