Vacation Ruminations

For the first time in my life, I flew first class. Having never done that before, I did not know what to expect. What I ended up getting was about four more inches in front of me, about four more inches along side of me and I arrived at our destination about .3 seconds ahead of coach…An actual meal? A WHOLE can of soda? A hot towel? Thank God for frequent flier miles. The reality is the seat I was occupying should have cost $1,500.00. The coach fare for that flight was $249.00. Was it worth the price difference? I am still deliberating on that one…

I sure did get a lot of dirty looks as the “coachers” filed down the aisle to their seats “behind the curtain…”

There is something cathartic about seeing your hometown in the rear view mirror or from 30,000 feet…

Based upon my observations, I am going to safely say that cruisers must receive a percentage discount based upon each hundred pounds of weight they carry on them…

The elevators on the cruise ship had signs posted right above the panel that read: “Max weight: 2,976 pounds.” A few thoughts: 1.) Whoever this “Max” is he needs to back away from the buffet line and take the stairs more often. 2.) Isn’t “2,976” an odd number to come up with? How did they arrive at that figure? Why not an even “3,000”? Would that extra twenty-three pounds have caused the cables to snap? 3.) “2,976 pounds.” That breaks down to approximately one and one half cruisers…

There is one thing that cruisers leave at the pier as the ship embarks upon its journey: anything remotely resembling their “dignity.” I suppose it is the “I’ll never see any of these people again so who cares what they think” mode of thought. I saw two distinct groups, the “This outfit isn’t for everyone” denial-ists and the “Expiration date/ground beef” theorists.

Should we conclude for the sake of argument that the mirror is now a commodity whose supply has become limited in certain areas of the world? Is there a “mirror shortage” that I am not aware of? Judging by the “outfits” worn by a number of cruisers, I would say that mirrors must be on some type of endangered species list or Wal Mart has begun a rationing program. Hint: When your weight approaches four digits, the string bikini is out. Hint: When your outfit is something that even Al Sharpton’s tailor would giggle at, it is time to hit the mall…

The fellas: Their clothes should be like packages of ground beef. They should have expiration labels. Once they pass that point, the stone wash jeans and the “Members Only” jackets should turn to dust…

A rather circular woman was rumbling towards the elevator that I was occupying. When she arrived at the door she said, “Is that elevator going down?” Can you guess which of the following was my first (evil) thought?: 1.) “If you are getting on there will be no choice in the matter.” 2.)”Gravity works ma’am. Once you enter, we will involuntarily be going down at a rate approaching terminal velocity within two seconds.” 3.) “It sure is!!”…

$10.00 watches. What is the appeal? The ship’s gift shop offered a “Designer $10 dollar watch sale” which drew a crowd as big as a Rodham fried chicken dinner bash. (So you ask: What would you get at a Rodham fried chicken dinner bash? Answer: Two fat thighs, a small breast and a left wing..) First: “Designer” and “$10.00” usually do not follow each other in a sentence. Second: Would anyone rush to buy a watch for ten dollars at home? Some just can’t help themselves when they are on the high seas and the excitement gets to be too much…

I have never seen so many human Manatees gathered in one spot who all had the same amazing talent: Each had the ability to stack and assemble prodigious amounts of food on multiple trays and carry them back to the table without spilling as much as one “tater tot”. With trays struggling under the hundreds of pounds of food piled vertically, these “buffet line bedazzlers” displayed the dexterity of a diamond cutter and the grace of a ballroom dancer as they tangoed and fox trotted effortlessly through the crowd. Their silent choreography was executed with precision and skill. Just call it the “dance of the dirigibles.”

It was fun to run the Ocho Rios gauntlet. As you made your way to the Island Village Shopping Center, you encountered a legless psychotic who screamed randomly as people passed, simultaneously asking you for money for the pleasure of experiencing his spittle laden outbursts. He was Ocho Rios answer to Howard Dean. Next you have a drunkard sitting in a pond of his own making with a bottle of hooch in his left hand and a greasy hat in his right asking for spare change. We had just passed Ocho Rios version of Ted Kennedy. This charade seemed to startle a number of the cruisers but to me Ocho Rios was cleaner and less populated by the mendicants who loaf and defecate in the streets, as opposed to the gutters of downtown St. Louis, so it WAS a vacation for me…

The shopkeepers of Ocho Rios were probably the nicest most accommodating people on the planet. However, the “shop keepers” in Cozumel were oily trolls who occupy dingy little hovels with crappy fake “silver” that no self respecting street walker would consider sporting…

Is there anything more entertaining than teasing the smokers as they pace about in their acrylic kennel at the airport?

Miami International Airport: A place where English isn’t even the SECOND language. By the time they would get through with the fifty or so interpretations of the gate change announcement, all of the English speakers invariably missed their flight…

I have never seen so many people running through an airport in my life. It reminded me of what America’s southern border looks like on any given afternoon…

The “friendly” attendant weighed my suitcases. I asked what that was all about and I was told that if my bag weighed over fifty pounds, I would have to pay $80.00 as an “overweight” penalty. So, as I took my seat on the plane, I took a look across the aisle to my left where I saw a passenger who was considerably wider than he was tall. I sorely tempted to ask the “friendly flight attendant” if HE paid any overweight penalties…

All over the airplane were the typical “no smoking” signs which were lit up like Christmas trees. (“Holiday trees” for the repulsive atheist liberals.) Even in the “lavatory” on the plane, there were at least three reminders including one which ominously warned of a minimum $2,000.00 fine for tampering with the smoke alarm within the matchbox the airlines pass off as a rest room. With all that, once I managed to “sit” in such a way so as to not lose my wallet down the chute at 30,000 feet, directly in front of me was an ashtray screwed into the door of the lavatory!! Was this a test? Was this the airline’s idea of a cruel joke to tempt the smokers? (However, it is not as good a joke as the plastic smoker’s cells in the terminal…) Couldn’t they find a qualified airline employee to remove the two screws that held this ashtray from the door?…

No matter what, any vacation is far better than: 1.) Working or 2.) Listening to the typical liberal caterwauling.

I observed first hand the power, the elegance and the intelligence of the bottle nosed dolphins of Cozumel. To swim with them is an experience you will never forget. I played in the blue green waters of Grand Cayman while I fed and mingled with the stingrays. I snorkeled among the schools of “Sergeant Majors” who inhabit the unspoiled coral reefs. I experienced the genuine hospitality of the Jamaicans as well as the scenic beauty of their countryside.

Vacations happen far too infrequently and they end altogether too soon…

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5 responses to “Vacation Ruminations

  1. Honey,
    This is a very entertaining and true recap of our wonderful vacation!! I had a great time to, but the best part of all of it was being with you!!!
    Love,
    Pumpkin

  2. THIS IS HILARIOUS STUFF…
    KEEP IT COMING.
    LIBERALS LOVE TO FEEL THEY’RE GOD…
    LIBERALS LOVE TO CONTROL THE PURSE.
    LIBERAL ARE THE EARTHLY REPRESENTATIVES OF THE DEVIL.
    THE TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION.

  3. Very entertaining. You and Ben Stein could corner the random writitngs market.

  4. I think those Rodham chicken dinner bash’s also come with ugly pant-suits as an attendance gift.

  5. Absolutely love it!!!!!!! I was laughing the whole time……and reminiscing of my own “special” cruise with Norwegian back in March of this year. My very first one, it was…..and you captured some of my thoughts perfectly!!!

    Toooo funny. Thanks for the birthday laughs!

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