I know that this is a very busy time of year for you but unfortunately, a lot of very bad things have happened to what was once America since you came by last year.. I just wanted to give you a little heads up on what you might be encountering as you make your rounds this year as some of the homes are going to be occupied by the very people who have made all of these “very bad things” happen..
You may be making deliveries to homes occupied by “liberals”. (homo stinkus maximus) You will know these abodes as you land by the fact that there is still an “Obama/Biden” yard sign in front and there will be at least one Prius or some other faggy little cardboard shoebox deathmobile in the driveway. Once you make entry down the chimney as is your style, please pardon the pungent aroma of smug sanctimony within the liberal communes as well as the easily identifiable odor of an unwashed backside or three..
Based upon their careers as thieves, liars and con artists, the liberals will be making your list in the “naughty” category. I have heard that those who make this inauspicious list usually receive a “lump of coal”.. This year when you leave such a gift behind for the liberal behinds, the “pollution police” will probably stop you or some bizarre Czar will detain you until a full investigation can be done relative to the sulfur content of the lump that you left. Keep in mind that the liberal’s unusually high scientific standards, like those that surround their flat earth/globaloney warming for example, will be unmercifully applied in order to determine such vague idiocy as “carbon footprints” because there will be some kind of tax or exorbitant penalty (or both) that you will owe the government.. (they know what is best for everyone)
If you have a scheduled delivery at the White House this year, you will probably be met by a gangly big-eared galoot wearing his Karl Marx jammies and his Bolshevik booties as well. You may have to sort of work around the fact that this brown buffoon will probably keep bowing to you the entire time that you are there..
The “Clean Energy Czar” will want to know the “power source” that is providing the “energy” for Rudolph’s nose. They will never be sure if Rudolph’s nose is damaging the ozone, causing acid rain, melting the polar ice caps, tipping the balance of the delicate eco-system, causing the next ice age, or making the rain forests disappear.. Even if the “scientists” are caught red handed (how else would the Obama Socialists be caught?) hiding evidence to the contrary, once they decide which bogus theory best and most expeditiously lines their progressive pockets with payoffs and pay outs, they will then implement some kind of “crap and trade” scam and they will also raise your taxes again and again and again after penalizing you again and again and again..
I wouldn’t be surprised if the liberals will try to contact the ASCPA claiming that you are abusing the reindeer. Feel free to leave a “recycled brown paper bag flaming reindeer reminder” from Dasher or Dancer on the front porch of the squealing liberal. Ring the doorbell, run for your sleigh, then have the reindeer bolt at high speed. Laugh loudly as the liberals stomp out the surprise package..
While you’re gone Al Gore, perpetual “lump of coal” recipient, will determine, based upon all of the scientific training that he has received, that the North Pole is in danger of evaporating. Al, who is the deity of the pimply progressives who only have profit on their minds and fascism in their hearts, will say that this “pandemic” is being exacerbated by the presence of your workshop. Goofy Al will say that it threatens the survival of the blind albino crotch tic (long a plague of the liberal populace..) and that you should vacate the area immediately as your “plant” (workshop) is emitting far too many greenhouse gases..
Several liberals surrounded by the simians of the SEIU, are already in route to the North Pole and they will perform their illegal “card check” conspiracy which will miraculously “unionized” the elves.. The elves may look a little bit different when you get back.. They are probably going to be appreciably taller, considerably more violent and substantially less intelligent.. Actually, all of your elves will be given concrete overshoes for Christmas from their new union “friends” and they will then be deposited at the bottom of the nearest lake. Unfortunately, the toys that your “new elves” will be making will be perpetually defective and the new elves will be demanding both exorbitant wages as well as a 30 minute work day.. Just have the Chinese build your toys from now on because they build everything else in America that actually works..
One of Obama’s health scare mutants is deviously planning on serving Mrs. Claus with a subpoena. They will be demanding that she consult with and abide by the government’s (they know what is best for everyone) guidelines in order to get you to lose a predetermined amount of weight that the government (they know what is best for everyone) feels is an “appropriate” amount of weight. This is all part of the government’s (they know what is best for everyone) takeover of health care and their demand that you be insured by the government. (they know what is best for everyone)
The Obamazombie will also inform you that the only reason the elves are “vertically challenged” is because of the inferior foodstuffs being served to them by Mrs. Claus. They will seize everything from both your pantry and your refrigerator and they will remove all of the “nutritional information” labels from what they seize as the definitive proof of Mrs. Claus’ callous indifference to your “morbid obesity”.. Have Mrs. Claus ask if Michael Moore’s “significant other” is being taken to task for his ridiculous rotundity..
Speaking of the ACLU, another Bolshevik bottom feeder is focusing on the elves and the little ones will soon be demanding to be recognized as a “special interest group”. They will need to find at least ten lobbyists who will “negotiate” on their behalf in Washington and at least five media representatives as well.. In the end you may have to build a casino for them to run order for them to pipe down..
Your status as a “small business” will soon cause you to involuntarily donate scads of your hard earned cash to the redistributors who have made a career of “playing Santa” to the permanent underclass that they have enabled and imprisoned.. Soon you will be penalized again as the Obama health scare will sap even more of the money that you could have used to employ more elves in the hopes of salvaging the economy that the liberals are intentionally destroying..
Yet another weasel from the ACLU will demand that you come up with a more appropriate title other than “elves” because it has hateful, negative connotations that have permanent negative ramifications to the psyches and the feelings of the “wee widdle workers”..
There is one last thing that you may notice as you enter the homes of the liberals. These hovels will probably be devoid of colorful decorations and other festive Christmas adornments. There may not be a Christmas tree. There may not be any Christmas cards. There may not be any stockings hung from the mantle.. They do not “believe” in you.
The older liberals take great joy in telling their offspring (usually conceived through the magic of a turkey baster and then handed over like mere property to any combination of odd mutations) that both you and Jesus don’t exist.. They smugly snort that both you and Jesus are “fictional” and that you are “made up”..
Beyond the fact that they wholeheartedly believe in the “fiction” of global warming and that they believe in the “fiction” that the public schools are a shambles only because of a “lack of funding”, the real reason for their blasphemy is that the liberals thoroughly enjoy going out of their way to make everyone around them, regardless of age, as miserable and joyless as they are..
When they snobbishly say that you are a “lie” and that they won’t “lie” to their children, I find that hard to believe. The liberals “lie” so that they can MAKE money and they “lie” so that they can insidiously TAKE money from everyday people all of the time. They “lie” to the children that they have made out of the grownups who are addicted to their disgusting handout mentality and their mantras of hopelessness and individual failure.
Rest assured that real Americans will have milk and cookies out for you and the children of those real Americans will rest assured knowing that you will bring them the joy that surrounds the Christmas season. Have a safe flight..